"Dear Big Government: Thanks for the Car!"

© 2009, by The Conservative Muse


Dear Big Government,

You did it again! I can hardly believe it!
Or did I hear incorrectly, perhaps misconceive it?
Is it really the truth that midst all your largesse
You'll help us resolve all our auto distress
By giving us thousands for making new deals
To put us in high-class and flashy new wheels?

Your immense generosity makes us so thankful
We’ll whisper “Barack” when we buy every tankful
Which we won’t do so often since all our new rides
Are small and efficient and green-ish, besides.
Since our mileage-per-gallon is higher than ever
We can grab our new cars and go driving forever!

I want you to know, while I’m grateful a lot,
I’m recalling the loan that I recently got
from that lender that sounds like it's somebody’s granny --
what’s the name? Can’t remember…it’s something like “Fannie”…

But that loan didn’t go the way anyone planned;
Who’da thought that some big shot would make a demand
That I make monthly payments or lose the darned house?
This caused quite a row between me and the spouse!

So I’m sure for my car I’ll get nice, easy credit
(my personal statement I’m willing to edit)
and you’ll give me protection from frivolous troubles
Like having to pay for insurance that doubles,
Or personal property tax that’s increased
Once my clunker’s recorded as being deceased.

You’re the greatest Big Government ever in history!
(Though how you afford all these gifts is a mystery)
and soon for good health we can all rest assured --
through government programs we’ll all be insured!

But I think what’s your greatest commendable trait
Is you’re equally kind to the small and the great:
You got GM and Chrysler and banks who await
Your wisdom - and cash - that will set them all straight.
When we’re all so dependent on you for our fate,
There’s no end to the empire you’re gonna create!

Yours truly,
A fan of Barack’s welfare state!

CSI: OBAMA

“You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law. You have the right to speak to an attorney, and to have an attorney present during any questioning. If you cannot afford a lawyer, one will be provided for you at government expense.”
The “Miranda” Warning

© 2009, by The Conservative Muse

Let’s say that we’ve captured a terrorist schmuck
In lawless Afghanistan, running amok
With knowledge of plans to destroy U. S. cities
As drawn by Osama’s Al Qaeda committees.
‘Gainst this high value captive we can’t be too violent:
In fact, we’ll present him his rights to be silent!

Thanks to deep Gitmo guilt and far left propaganda,
We’re reading Jihadists their rights of Miranda!
No waterboard treatment for these special guys:
We’ll get’em attorneys and let them devise
A defense meant to show all our worldwide detractors,
Since Barack’s been elected, we’re not such bad actors!

Such policies render The Muse almost mute
(Elating those people of leftist pursuit)
but we know of what Democrats surely are dreaming:
with their buddies, the trial attorneys, they’re scheming
to strengthen their dicey, unholy alliance
by creating a bottomless source of new clients.

Our Great Leader had told “60 Minutes” this spring
Miranda for terrorists wasn’t a thing
That’s likely to happen, and which he’d condemn --
The same thing he said about running GM!
It’s clear just how deep The One’s mercy doth run
Now that Uighurs stroll free in Bermuda’s warm sun!

If Barack watches cop shows that run on TV
His favorite moments would certainly be
When police catch their man, put their ‘cuffs on his hands,
Then pause to make sure that the perp understands
How to game our court system with brazen demands –
And be just like those thugs from al-Qaeda-filled lands!

Now Playing: Obama's World of Magic!

© 2009, The Conservative Muse

We all were amazed when Obama the Great
Made claim after claim of the things he’d set straight
Once elected to office and wielding his power;
Now we gasp as his ego inflates by the hour.
To his self-described talents we’d make an addition:
Like Siegfried or Roy, he’s a master magician!

Take Barack’s speech in Cairo, ‘midst wild Arab cheer,
When The One made all “terrorists” – poof! – disappear!
…oh, wait just a minute… now what’s that you say?
It’s not that they’re gone, he’s just got a new way
Of describing those people who wish us all dead
‘cause to call them all “terrorists” makes them see red?

Oops, sorry! Instead we’ll try this on for size:
While vowing to save us from fiscal demise
And protect us from restlessly unemployed mobs,
He’s “saving” us hundreds of thousands of jobs.
…Ok, you’re now thinking: it’s more of the same…
Since it can’t be disproved it’s a spurious claim.

Then here’s some nice magic that can’t be disputed:
We know that for decades Old Europe’s been rooted
In socialist programs of nanny state caring;
But recent election results are declaring
A staggering shift from the left to the right;
Barack’s economics have caused such a fright
That lefties in Europe are going ballistic;
What a feat! The One’s scaring them capitalistic!

Barack’s Magic Show has extended its run;
For big government types it’s a whole lot of fun!
With federal bailouts in massive profusion,
and car manufacturers mired in confusion
and socialized health care now out of seclusion,
His leadership “skill” is his greatest illusion!

The (Taxed) Wages of Sin

© 2009, The Conservative Muse

 

It’s a liberal tactic to sound an alarm

Over every small thing that can do us some harm.

While environment hazards might cause us to fret,

Our human activity poses a threat

 

To society’s general health and well-being;

our protection and safety needs full guaranteeing.

We look to Obama, our heavenly savior,

For modification of faulty behavior.

 

We smoke and we drink and we drive too big cars;

Our Great Leader will help us by naming new czars

Of bureaus controlling our self-ish destruction

to yield significant hazard reduction.

 

To make us take action to save our own skins,

They’ll levy huge taxes on all of our sins.

Now they’re targeting soft drinks that make us obese,

But there’re other behaviors they need to police:

 

Emergency hospital beds are oft filled

With the wounded whose blood has been painfully spilled

In ballparks, on bikes, perhaps basketball courts;

To cover these costs let’s go tax all our sports!

 

Is anything worse for a guy’s mental health

Than watching the markets destroying his wealth?

Let’s exact trading fees for a program that pays

For Xanax prescriptions and loony bin stays!

 

Teen sex is a risky activity needing

Some funds for our government’s wise interceding.

We’d ask that the kids, while they’re fondling with glee,

Use a chastity belt that takes quarters to free.

 

Since we think Global Warming’s an imminent curse

Our carbon-filled breathing is making things worse.

There must be a way we can gauge exhalation

And charge those abusing their oxygenation.

 

Barack and his friends have insatiable drives

to meddle intensely in all of our lives.

We know from what doctrine the "sin tax" derives:

A Lib's in Nirvana when socialism thrives.