"Barack, We Lift Our Eyes To Thee"

o© 2009, The Conservative Muse

 

Let’s say that one day, when you’re bored and you’re lazy,

you choose to do something that’s really quite crazy:

Let’s say that you pick up a hammer, and then

start banging your kneecap again and again.

With a government agent we’d like to connect you:

Obama and friends will be there to protect you!

 

To help someone acting on such inclination

The first thing they’ll do is enact regulation

To control manufacture of all basic tools

So they can’t be misused by the densest of fools

To injure themselves or launch vicious attacks,

sending Homeland Security levels to max!

 

They’ll then help empower the trial attorneys

To start on the long but so lucrative journeys

Of major class actions to sue hammer makers

And unscrupulous salesmen, liars, and fakers

For creating a market for products like these,

As potentially deadly as any disease.

 

These actions will cause hammer prices to rise;

But sales will go down, and to no one’s surprise

The companies soon will be asking Obama

To end all their shareholders’ agonized drama

And give them a bailout; which surely, he’ll do,

To oversee boards and their salaries, too!

 

(By the way, you can make a small mountain of cash

By getting in touch with those Dems who would bash

Some Bushie officials for “torture” instruction;

You could sell them your photos of knee-joint destruction

As samples of Gitmo sadistic behavior;

be grateful Carl Levin’s our ethical savior!)

 

Of course, if self-harm with a hammer’s distasteful,

There’re other good options a whole lot more graceful,

Like borrowing funds you can’t ever repay

To buy that big house with that wealthy cachet,

Or drowning in red in a credit card way.

Don't fret; your own guilt won’t be called into play:

Our Great Leader Obama will come save the day!

A Liberal Manifesto

© 2009, by The Conservative Muse

 

Somewhere in this bizarre world, a “liberal muse” is at work.

We suspect he’d say something like this:

 

“It’s not like I asked for this talent, you know --

this brilliance of intellect, brightly aglow.

But having this gift is a way to explain

Just why I’m a lib: it befits my big brain!

 

“As a group we look down with a pitiful scorn

At conservative people unluckily born

Into “red state” mentalities, featuring thought

Of “family values” so mindlessly taught

 

“By ignorant parents to innocent kids

In ways that a liberal system forbids.

With such naivete was our nation infected;

how else to explain how George Bush was elected?

 

“But now we’ve got thoughtful Barack at the helm

To help usher in an intelligent realm

with fairness abounding in actions domestically

and foreign humility reigning majestically.

 

“He’s opened our playbook of Gitmo activity

To show all our enemies tortured captivity.

While some detainees may have sawn off some heads,

we can’t be allowed to put bugs in their beds

 

“and claim that we’re people of high moral ground.

We need to fight wars with one hand firmly bound

Behind us, obeying an unwritten rule,

And prosecute Bushies for being so cruel!

 

“And yet our Great Leader right-wingers assail!

(We doubt that they would if Obama were pale).

They’re urged by extremists on radio shows

To act how they otherwise couldn’t suppose

 

“Like holding those “tea parties” griping ‘bout taxes;

Don’t they know Barack’s boys have been swinging big axes

To cut their tax burdens by hundreds per year?

They’re so dumb that they don’t even know when to cheer!

 

“They’ve got Limbaugh, O’Reilly, and Hannity, too,

Putting thoughts in the heads of their sycophant crew.

But we’ve got Keith Olbermann – need we say more?

His self-assured smirk oozes knowledge galore!

 

“For proving a lib’s a superior being

You’ll note that the Hollywood crowd is agreeing

With all that we say, and the need for a stand

‘gainst the racist and redneck Conservative brand.

 

“Barack is intent on creating an Eden

that’s based on the model of socialist Sweden.

It’s just what we liberal Democrats crave:

Big government coddling from cradle to grave.

The duty to care for ourselves we can waive --

It’s the way that all civilized nations behave!”

Who Knew? Barack's a Comedian!

© 2009, by The Conservative Muse

 He's quite the celeb, of that fact we’re all sure;

He’s been on a nonstop publicity tour

That got him a gig on TV’s biggest shows,

The better his charm and allure to expose.

His wife is on Vogue, he appears on GQ,

But it seems that there’s more that he’s anxious to do --

It looks like he’s honing a standup routine;

Move over Jay Leno, Barack’s on the scene!

While on “The Tonight Show” Obama compared

His bowling technique to a clumsiness shared

By contestants in Special Olympics events;

Who knew that he had such a humorous sense?

Having slayed’em back home, he went way overseas

To spread “mea culpas” and ask “pretty please”

Of the Euros (who nonetheless spurned his requests),

Although his great wit must’ve surely impressed

Like during that moment of unscripted candor

when Barack outdid Bush as chief bumbling commander

in claiming an “Austrian” language exists;

when it comes to amusement the guy just can’t miss!

Of all the bad luck, while Barack trod this stage,

Kim Jong Il fired a rocket and raised global rage!

This nuclear scare caused Obama to say,

“The world should disarm, and we’ll show them the way!”

There’s a master of irony ‘neath all those charms;

He’s joking, of course; if we dumped all our arms

The only guys left that’ll have any nukes

Will be Mideast jihadists and crazy Kim’s kooks!

He’s mastered the physical clowning, as well:

He broke us all up when he just about fell

While bowing before an Arabian king

While his handlers denied that he did such a thing!

And now we note Hillary’s stealing some thunder

With her own comic touch on a policy blunder:

There’s 900 mil that she’s pledged to release

To poor tortured Gazans to buy Mideast peace!

There’s plenty of options for humor ahead:

A “stimulus” keeping us mired in the red;

“Cap and trade” to insure global warmth isn’t spread;

A tax code insuring the “wealthy” are bled

While capitalism gets flipped on its head….

This makes us take pause and review what we’ve said:

 ‘Twould be “funny” – except that it’s “scary” instead!

What? Liberals Hate Blacks?!

© 2009, by The Conservative Muse

 

A big-hearted lib’s filled with goodness and kindness;

he’s first to announce that he’s got major blindness

to issues of color; he loves all diversity;

One’s skin pigmentation won’t trigger adversity

In a liberal world packed with warm toleration

For people and lifestyles of every persuasion.

 

Except, it would seem, when it comes to our cars….

From the Socialists’ Hymnal we’ll sing a few bars

to honor fed takeovers, state-run endeavors,

and big government using its sizeable levers

to force us to act in the ways they see fit --

now controlling the colors of cars they’ll permit!

 

When liberal craziness carries the day,

you can bet California’s leading the way!

The infamous homeland to fruitcakes and nuts

Would like to command that we put all our butts

In cars that are energy-saving and “green” –

Their resident geniuses take this to mean

 

They should outlaw the sale of all cars that are black!

They get so darned hot, their AC’s out of whack

while burning up power far more than their share –

to the rest of us drivers it’s simply not fair!

(This mandate provides us no shock revelation:

The Left Coast is known for pastel inclination…)

 

We know it’s the liberals’ game plan to strike

mortal blows at the Hummer, big vans, and the like;

Barack says he’s glad when gas prices are high:

The faster the SUV market will die!

But we’re taken aback by the swiftness of flight

From reason to foolishness, reaching its height

In denying one’s choice for the color of night.

The irony shines like a beacon of light:

Now our president’s black; soon all cars will be white!