The (Taxed) Wages of Sin

© 2009, The Conservative Muse

 

It’s a liberal tactic to sound an alarm

Over every small thing that can do us some harm.

While environment hazards might cause us to fret,

Our human activity poses a threat

 

To society’s general health and well-being;

our protection and safety needs full guaranteeing.

We look to Obama, our heavenly savior,

For modification of faulty behavior.

 

We smoke and we drink and we drive too big cars;

Our Great Leader will help us by naming new czars

Of bureaus controlling our self-ish destruction

to yield significant hazard reduction.

 

To make us take action to save our own skins,

They’ll levy huge taxes on all of our sins.

Now they’re targeting soft drinks that make us obese,

But there’re other behaviors they need to police:

 

Emergency hospital beds are oft filled

With the wounded whose blood has been painfully spilled

In ballparks, on bikes, perhaps basketball courts;

To cover these costs let’s go tax all our sports!

 

Is anything worse for a guy’s mental health

Than watching the markets destroying his wealth?

Let’s exact trading fees for a program that pays

For Xanax prescriptions and loony bin stays!

 

Teen sex is a risky activity needing

Some funds for our government’s wise interceding.

We’d ask that the kids, while they’re fondling with glee,

Use a chastity belt that takes quarters to free.

 

Since we think Global Warming’s an imminent curse

Our carbon-filled breathing is making things worse.

There must be a way we can gauge exhalation

And charge those abusing their oxygenation.

 

Barack and his friends have insatiable drives

to meddle intensely in all of our lives.

We know from what doctrine the "sin tax" derives:

A Lib's in Nirvana when socialism thrives.