"Barack, We Lift Our Eyes To Thee"

o© 2009, The Conservative Muse

 

Let’s say that one day, when you’re bored and you’re lazy,

you choose to do something that’s really quite crazy:

Let’s say that you pick up a hammer, and then

start banging your kneecap again and again.

With a government agent we’d like to connect you:

Obama and friends will be there to protect you!

 

To help someone acting on such inclination

The first thing they’ll do is enact regulation

To control manufacture of all basic tools

So they can’t be misused by the densest of fools

To injure themselves or launch vicious attacks,

sending Homeland Security levels to max!

 

They’ll then help empower the trial attorneys

To start on the long but so lucrative journeys

Of major class actions to sue hammer makers

And unscrupulous salesmen, liars, and fakers

For creating a market for products like these,

As potentially deadly as any disease.

 

These actions will cause hammer prices to rise;

But sales will go down, and to no one’s surprise

The companies soon will be asking Obama

To end all their shareholders’ agonized drama

And give them a bailout; which surely, he’ll do,

To oversee boards and their salaries, too!

 

(By the way, you can make a small mountain of cash

By getting in touch with those Dems who would bash

Some Bushie officials for “torture” instruction;

You could sell them your photos of knee-joint destruction

As samples of Gitmo sadistic behavior;

be grateful Carl Levin’s our ethical savior!)

 

Of course, if self-harm with a hammer’s distasteful,

There’re other good options a whole lot more graceful,

Like borrowing funds you can’t ever repay

To buy that big house with that wealthy cachet,

Or drowning in red in a credit card way.

Don't fret; your own guilt won’t be called into play:

Our Great Leader Obama will come save the day!